Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Why Wine, (& why I) Drink Whiskey

A few week ago, I started to question,
"When Did everyone start drinking All this Wine?"
I get it, we're all stressed, we're all #sobusy, we're all just anxiety ridden robots.
When exactly did people start peddling a glass, as soon as you sat down, or came to town? 
When did it become accustom, to automatically order a bottle anytime after breakfast? When did you start belonging to the Bottle of the month clubs, and start Taking the Hub's on (all the )Tours?And when exactly did I become the odd duck out, if I don't want any of Your Wine?
Wine is Pretentious, without pause.
"Ohhh we just opened a bottle", or "We sat down last light and Had a glass"
(Can you hear my best Kristin Wig Bridesmaids voice??)
Wine is an easy way for all the housewives to get tanked, while still looking like a respectable citizens. There is now even an establishment close to my house that serves it on Tap. I can only image the thrones of (horribly) Topstitched jeans and date night tops that make their way in nightly, while Nolan, and Nixon have made it to practice. All I'm thinking, "Who in the World is driving Home?"
And speaking of home, all of the paraphernalia that has made its way into (hopefully not) Yours?
Because Not only do you have to consume copious amounts of Cabernet, you have to let everyone know you do with Tuscan-esque resin plaques, and painted wooden pieces, declaring your love for the drink. Or maybe,, you even have "Mama's Sippy Cup"...Dying..
WHO is buying All this shit!!???
I (used to) get offered wine all the time. And if I refused, someone would continue the conversation and try and twist my arm into "just" having a glass of Red. RED?! Pro Tip: If someone doesn't want your wine, they sure as Hell Don't want your Red. The last time I had red wine, and it was a pricey one, It ended up alongside of someone's truck. Along with the rest of the remains of dinner. 
Offering someone Red wine that doesn't drink wine, is like offering whiskey to someone that doesn't drink.
I buy wine, solely based on the label. If your advertising team has done its due diligence and hired a great graphic designer, I'll dutifully buy your drink. To me wine is such a gamble. Who knows what your going to get? You could be one sniff into the skunky mess, and then, You're just stuck with it.
That's why Whiskey is my Jam.
And if you offer Wine, and someone declines, but asks for Whiskey, Thennnn you're the alcoholic. 
Whiskey to me is simple and neat. There's nothing pretentious about it, and ordering it, comes without fail. Whiskey doesn't make any claims to be fancy, and you wont see anyone one swigging it, while (attempting to)steer a stroller at the next Harvest festival.
Whiskey can be had in one drink, and still be able to think.
Wine and I have had our time. We have had our fair share of morning afters also.
If you've ever attended a corporate business meeting inside a hotel conference center, you know damn well the wine I speak of. The type of wine that will leave you with a 2 day headache, and a hurtin' for No more.
So this weekend, me and my #messybun and sweatpants will be off thinking about our next Rant. You won't see me placed in front of a fire with a glass of Pinot. And you definitely wont see me being sloppy steering the stroller with some Sangria.
You'll see me sans top stitched jeans, on date night with some Whiskey as my jam.

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