So last night was Trick- or-Treat in my neighborhood.
Read: Last Night. Not last weekend, not yesterday 12-4pm. Not next weekend. Last night.
Because as I reminded my parents at the tender age of, ohh about 8, Children can be abducted at Any time of day, so dim the lights and lets go Treating in the Dark!
Its my 3rd Favorite Holiday, and would likely be the 2nd favorite, except for the "sexy costumes" that somehow Have to come out. Its like I say about Christmas people: Halloween comes The same time every single year. October 31st. So if you can't Pinterest your pathetic costume by then, I guess your panties and a pair of Angel wings will have to do. God, I'm hilarious...bygones..
So after another evening of watching the wee ones waddle up the 20 steps or so up to our house, allow me to anguish about the 3 kinds of kids that will come calling for your Candy.
1. The Pillow Case Kid
There he is, carrying that case, causing him to trip before its even remotely full of candy. Come here kid, can I at least give you a Trader Joes bag for your Butterfingers. Maybe there is some odd tradition I don't now about involving the packing of ones pillow with Peanutty clusters, but even as a family of 3 girls, I always had a plastic pumpkin to put my 3 Musketeers in.
2. The Infant being carried by his Candy hoarding Homies(Mom or Dad)
If your child is not even close to consuming his own carrots or corn, why on earth would you bring the little bastard out for some Baby Ruths? That's right Mom and Dad, unless you know me, why would you think I may have, what? a teething ring? Pureed applesauce? or anything else for your adorable(sarc) off spring to sink their gums into? Pro tip: Go to Wal- Mart and get your own goodies. Pimping your preemie for pint sized candy bars is pretty tacky.
3. The Teenager too old to Trick or Treat
You know him, you've seen him. or her. 12-15. Wearing their Dads waders, or their Mom's Moo Moo. These kids just can't give up the gouging for gummy bears. Half the time you have to ask them what their costume is before handing them a Hershey bar. Pro Tip: If anyone has to ask what your costume is: It sucks. And don't expect a Trick or Treat. These teenager are too cool for small talk. Just hand over the Oreos.
This year, we actually had 2 teenagers trick or Treating for our local church. I sent them off with a can of pineapple, and baked beans, and a badge of honor for this Halloween.
and honorable mention goes to,,(this ones for you Jameo)
4. The kid that empties his candy into the cardboard box in the van before coming to your door
Yes this kid cartels his take into a bigger receptacle, before accepting another Reece's Peanut Butter cup. And I take pity on his empty pail and pile it in! Then there comes the Oddessy minivan on 2 wheels headed around the corner for a pick up and dumping of all the gummy dots and Milk Duds.
Who's the Dum Dum now?
So now you've been warned.
You now have 364 days to Pinterest away and plan your next pimped out costume.
Because if you climb my stairs and expect to get a FULL Size, yes I said FULL sized Snickers bar, you better suit up with Something worth saying,
Trick or Treat in.