Saturday, June 27, 2015

Seeing Stars and steering Clear of Summerfest

Every year, in late June, the Circus, otherwise know as Summerfest comes to Southeastern Wisconsin. 14 stages, 2,000 bands,,I forget the stats. Because to me, the whole shindig, is,, Forgettable. 
You see, when you grow up here, and end up going to gawk several years in a row, the repetition of it all becomes bothersome. I have known several seasoned adults that take their ENTIRE vacation to go to the 10 day-ish music festival. Bleech.. And have been witness to one or more Summerfest weddings??! That have taken place, at That, Very, Place. Where you looked at me, and we were dancing atop a picnic table...Are you dying yet?
May I bestow upon you The List:
The list of why I'm leaving Summerfest out of my Seasonal Best.
1. I don't do public intoxication on levels of the thousands.
 Was it fun in high school to try and get much older men to buy beer for budding pubescent sophomores? For a minute. Is it great to be sweaty forearm to forearm with he who doesn't value hygiene? No freakin way. Just in case you haven't been to the Midwest in awhile, you know we have one of the highest per capita record of morbidly obese people. And we singlehandedly hold the record for most brandy consumed. And for the record:
2. I Don't Do Beer
I don't do warm beer.
I don't do Tap beer.
I don't do warm tap beer in a plastic cup.
And speaking of cups: 
3. The Stacking of The Cups
Who is singlehandedly the biggest douchebagg that started This?
If you don't know what I speak of(consider yourself lucky). But if you've been unfortunate to encounter the idiots that want YOU to know Exactly how much they've drank,  throwing away the cup is above them and they Must keep them as the nights souvenir and drink the next warm beer swill out of the last consecutive cup. Yes,, I need to cups to use as reference to your revelry. Your behavior alone wasn't enough.
4.I don't Do public Restrooms.
I don't Do public restrooms where, "Wait, that's not water on the Floor!"
I don't Do public restrooms where someone just, may have, very possibly puked.
I don't Do public restrooms, because inevitably, you'll end up seeing a Pube.
I think I just choked on my tap beer...(sarc.)
So you won't bee seeing me at Summerfest.
Give me free tickets, and free parking, and a driver and I'll for sure be doing other things.
Leave the stroller ramming, and the beer slamming to the seniors, and the men unconcerned with statutory rape claims.
I'd rather be up north seeing stars, then stuck all night in a line up of cars.

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