Saturday, June 27, 2015

Seeing Stars and steering Clear of Summerfest

Every year, in late June, the Circus, otherwise know as Summerfest comes to Southeastern Wisconsin. 14 stages, 2,000 bands,,I forget the stats. Because to me, the whole shindig, is,, Forgettable. 
You see, when you grow up here, and end up going to gawk several years in a row, the repetition of it all becomes bothersome. I have known several seasoned adults that take their ENTIRE vacation to go to the 10 day-ish music festival. Bleech.. And have been witness to one or more Summerfest weddings??! That have taken place, at That, Very, Place. Where you looked at me, and we were dancing atop a picnic table...Are you dying yet?
May I bestow upon you The List:
The list of why I'm leaving Summerfest out of my Seasonal Best.
1. I don't do public intoxication on levels of the thousands.
 Was it fun in high school to try and get much older men to buy beer for budding pubescent sophomores? For a minute. Is it great to be sweaty forearm to forearm with he who doesn't value hygiene? No freakin way. Just in case you haven't been to the Midwest in awhile, you know we have one of the highest per capita record of morbidly obese people. And we singlehandedly hold the record for most brandy consumed. And for the record:
2. I Don't Do Beer
I don't do warm beer.
I don't do Tap beer.
I don't do warm tap beer in a plastic cup.
And speaking of cups: 
3. The Stacking of The Cups
Who is singlehandedly the biggest douchebagg that started This?
If you don't know what I speak of(consider yourself lucky). But if you've been unfortunate to encounter the idiots that want YOU to know Exactly how much they've drank,  throwing away the cup is above them and they Must keep them as the nights souvenir and drink the next warm beer swill out of the last consecutive cup. Yes,, I need to cups to use as reference to your revelry. Your behavior alone wasn't enough.
4.I don't Do public Restrooms.
I don't Do public restrooms where, "Wait, that's not water on the Floor!"
I don't Do public restrooms where someone just, may have, very possibly puked.
I don't Do public restrooms, because inevitably, you'll end up seeing a Pube.
I think I just choked on my tap beer...(sarc.)
So you won't bee seeing me at Summerfest.
Give me free tickets, and free parking, and a driver and I'll for sure be doing other things.
Leave the stroller ramming, and the beer slamming to the seniors, and the men unconcerned with statutory rape claims.
I'd rather be up north seeing stars, then stuck all night in a line up of cars.

Friday, June 5, 2015

Blooms & Birthday parties

It is a rite of passage in the Circle of Life, that your friends will breed.
 They will at some point ask for your attendance to an annual birthday party for their born. 
So I'm here to say, for us All, why kid's birthday parties Suck.
Let me first interject,  I love my birthday. If you know anyone born in August that doesn't, there must be something wrong with them. Can I add, I'm perfectly okay with attending said parties, as the "Friend without the kids", Really,, it's okay. Also, I Do believe my expectations are a wee bit elevated. My best friend is a premier party planner. As in Tiffany pearls as the Take Home for a 3 year olds soiree! Honestly, this girls ideas are off the charts. If the stork scurries up our steps, she'll be the first I'll call.
I applaud the gesture, but can't I just send a gift? Parties for Poppy or Paul who are still young enough to poop their pants, should primarily be for immediate family. Patsy is never, ever going to remember my package, and I prefer her to do so. See, I've never given Jack junk, and plastic toys are not part of my program. Call me crazy but does Anyone actually want that crap in their crib?
In terms of perishables, there's always pizza and pop. My sage advice?
If your going to host a birthday party for your babe, be a great host and set up the bar. Cancel the community chip bag, and cater something everyone will eat. It's too easy to order up an original menu for munching. How fun would snacking on Sushi for Sadie's 6th be?!
And last but not least, we need to cover, The Cake.
It ain't a party, without cake. #amiright? Can we keep the cake on our plates, and not smashed in a wee ones face? Never have I ever seen a small one happy to have cake in the face. And quite frankly it's usually Mom or Dad pushing the pre-made morsels on little Matthew.

I get it, It's a Big Deal.
Your offspring is one year older and you want to offer up an opportunity to open gifts. Keep the invites in the family, and host a gathering much closer to home.
Save the square shaped pizza, and open pickle jar for a party honoring your next pregnant girlfriend.
And I promise, the blooms for your birthday party will last much longer than that buttercreme frosting smashed in young Fredericks face.