Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Drink & Drive & 25

I'm beginning to think this little blog needs a disclaimer.
But then I digress and remember why I started doing this, and I may just recommend you stop reading this blog. Yes, please stop Reading this blog. If reading, what everyone is thinking, but I'm the one writing is giving you discomfort. Stop seeking this out. 
In the Midwest, more specifically in Wisconsin it's almost a rite of passage to have an OWI. (look it up people, but if you didn't know that.. I can't help you).This state holds the highest record for Brandy consumption and people that have 2-3 drinks a night don't consider themselves alcoholics. It's actually quite rare to meet someone that doesn't have this deficit. I personally have known 2 different people that have passed out in a Taco Bell drive through after a night of imbibing. Just Haddd to get that bean burrito.. And as the years go on and the penalties attempt to get more putrid, the Driving gets more Disastrous. And for the record, because I know your wondering, I'm one of those rare birds.
Take this weekend, for example. A State Patrol Man in San Diego rescued a passed out drunk woman, yes I say Rescued because he saved Her damn life. A woman who passed out in her car in the middle of the highway. You may have missed this in the news. After attempting to wake her, cat nap time was apparently over and the car began to roll forward. The officer broke the passenger window and was able to shift the sedan into park. Meanwhile cars in excess of speeds upwards of 65-75 were whizzing past. This story is killing you..right? Well, it could have. Every single weekend, I shutter to read the news. Recently there has been a rash of wrong way drivers making headlines. "Driver drove over 19 miles the Wrong way on 94". "40 Year- old man drunk driving on 43 at 4am".
And the people will say, "What if he killed a baby? What if she killed a Family?'
What a minute? What if I was killed?? Isn't MY life just as lucrative?
Well I'm sick of it. I'm Damn sick of it. Have I driven after a day on the lake> Sure. Have I pulled over on the side of the turnpike to puke up Peach Schnapps? Sure. I went through a bender of a year a few back, that convinced me I had a backseat driver, and I gave up the booze before the wheel. Read: Back Seat Driver.
But thankfully, very Thankfully, I have throws of people that care about me. I have servers at my favorite places that have the sense to keep from over serving even a serious Whiskey Girl. And I am faithful to my friends that have forced me into a cab and paid the fare to my front door.
One of my favorite phrases continues to be: Nothing ThAT great happens after 2 am.
So weather your 25, 45, or 55, do yourself and us All a favor. Decide when and where you're going to drink. Figure out who's going to find their place behind the wheel and get your Fireball drinking friends home.
Otherwise if you drink and drive, this gal hopes you get 25.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Cool Girl

A few weeks ago I was off work for a few days and found myself forced to finish a book I had bought some months back. See the issue was, P and I had seen the theatrical version of Gone Girl in line with our 2 year anniversary, and I purchased the book afterwards. I had an adverse reaction to the movie, and wasn't motivated to read about  these 2 married monsters much more. So either the reader, or the cheapskate in me took over, and we opened the book up.
That's when IT happened.
About half way through the book I read a passage, that brought Coffee, Relationships, Men, and Life all together. It's pretty rare for me to be dumb founded, and re- reading anything. But this one Stuck.
It was a concept that I've even Blogged about before. Read:; The Sales Pitch.
 And I give you Gillian Flynns "Cool Girl"
"Men always say that as a defining compliment, don't they? She's a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping. She plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex(sorry parents,, but maybe your kids shouldn't be reading this blog) and Cool Girl Always does The Job. That Job. She jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth likes she's hosting the worlds biggest culinary gang bang while maintaining a size 2. Because Cool Girls are above all, Hot and Understanding. Cool Girls never get angry, they only smile in a chagrined loving manner, and let their men do what ever they want. Go ahead, sh*t on me, I don't mind, I'm the Cool Girl."
All over small towns and large, every Friday and Saturday night you can see Cool Girl in action, pretending to be a woman a man wants them to be. Men actually believe this girls exists. And here I am to tell you as the voice of reason, why Cool Girl doesn't actually exist.
As mentioned in The Sales Pitch, I believe when your dating there is some smoke in mirrors that goes on. You may just become a better version of yourself, because, as you know, there IS a Sales Pitch when it comes to the dating Game. I have been the Cool Girl. I have also been the Not- So- Cool girl.
See guys(if I have any male readers) Cool Girl eventually decides that sleeping on your twin bed, with the sheets you've had on it since Freshman year, aren't so cool. The post- coitus cuddling isn't cute when your nose is touching the corner the bed is jammed up against.
Cool Girl realizes that guzzling beers the next day will only find her the next morning in your shared bathroom with the 1 ply toilet paper to buffer the beer sh*ts. Cool Girl wants to shower and actually be clean the next day. And if being clean isn't so "Go with the Flow", I'm guessing she'll leave you before the next blow.
And Cool Girls even like me get sick. Not in the Cool Girl "bring me chicken soup" , "I have the sniffles",kind of sick. The sick like, I'm dying. I haven't changed clothes in 3 days. I've passed out in the shower kind of sick. The, I need carrying, I need you to take care of me all night kind of sick.
And that's okay.
So maybe if your wife or girlfriend doesn't seem too Cool anymore, take heed. Maybe those new sheets and fluffy comforter aren't so bad.. That the 4 ply toilet paper in the bathroom is a massive improvement, even for your bowel movements. That if your wife, or girlfriend has done the equivalent of putting a watermelon in her mouth(childbirth), you owe her a hell of a lot more than a chili dog. And if she has indulged in a few of those chilidogs, and isn't the size 2 anymore? I'm willing to bet, neither are You.