It's a shameful topic for me.
One that I quite possibly could annunciate better fueled by alcohol. But seeing that it's 10am and I just had French toast, I feel like whiskey could make my morning even more un-productive. You see today is my day "Off" and in my head, it's time to make the magic happen. And also in My head, if I don't make something magical happen, the day is at a loss. P will come home and simply ask, "What did you do today?"- a seemingly innocent question. And my reaction to that is, If I haven't built a stadium, sold the tickets, and have a soup on hand already made for dinner, What good am I. I literally cannot believe I just typed that for you all to read.
There are weeks that this gal is literally on fire. Not enough hours in the day, paper to scribble ideas onto, or paint to re- finish what ever piece I've dragged home. I will go into the wee hours of the night with the sewing machine buzzing. You see, P may see just a bunch of junk clogging up his garage and taking up his parking space. But I see coffee cabinets, and bar carts, and headboards. I see old doors becoming trellis' on either sides of the walkway to our front door. I see furniture that will be going into our next house. And yes,, I too see it all sitting there. And sometimes, the pressure of making it all marvelous is too much, and this gal spends the day doing nothing instead. I am not an easy person to live with. I get that.
And What gets in the way?
The self doubt. The why am I doing this, this is never going to work, what was I thinking? The not finding just the right paint or fabric. And then once you think you do have the right thing, the 1st brush stroke, or the first cut of fabric makes the doubt creep in again. Maybe even the fact that most of what I haul home is heavy, and I muscle to move it myself. This is usually when I text my best friend a photo of what I'm working on to get some perspective and see if I'm Really bat shit crazy and should stop what I'm doing. Remember Vincent Van Gogh cut his ear off? I wanna believe it may have been due in part of not wanting to hear the heinous things in his own head.
Daily life gets in the way too. Even as I type this, I had to force myself to clean the kitchen, make the bed and tidy things before I could "reward" myself by perching over to type this. There's laundry to fold, a workout to wrench out, and all I want to do is go get the green chairs that I gasped over yesterday at Goodwill. Last night I attempted to get P's approval of the apple green wing chairs. And again the glorious garage came up. Not the fact that these chairs were an Exact match, and are going to look like a million bucks after I upholster them and put a massive monogram on them. "Keep them outta my garage" was all I heard, and suddenly their greatness was gone away.
P's Dad is an accomplished painter. We luckily have more than a few pieces that take up permanent residence in our rooms. He could easily hawk his landscapes in several places. But he doesn't. He chooses not to, and I totally get it. Many people will ask why he doesn't paint more regularly, and I totally get it. I see his supplies and his dry brushes and I totally get it. The creative monster has many personalities, and the inspiring and feeding of said monster has to happen methodically.
See, plenty of people are happy buying stuff from well- lit stores, from heavily commissioned salespeople. The people that want you to believe your buying a quality piece by turning it over. Only to leave out that said piece has bricks attached to said frame to make the piece "seem" more sturdy and reliable. Yes. This actually happens. All the time. The micro suede covering said pieces, will only attract millions of micro-organisms, in 2.0 days in your home. Beechhh. I don't want pieces that propagate on someone else's property. I want the story, and the sweat equity, and the stamp of approval that I saw it for what it was , and what it could be.
So take heed.
The next time you react negatively to someone's next project, remember that your not only negating the need for Another piece of furniture. But your also Dashing someone's discipline to keep the creative monster calm.