Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Shopping Carts & other Housewife Weaponry

This weekend I was out with the masses.
You see, I'm normally working part or some of the weekend, and when I'm not, I'm far from any specific store. And after this weekend, I think I'd like to keep it that way. 
You see when I venture out I'm like a man shopper. I have a definite destination in mind, a list, and always bring my own shopping bags. Those plastic things drive me nuts, and they make So many cute ones for re-using. It's all about the look, even down to my bag- it has nothing to do with staying green! Sometimes,, if I'm Really rockin' it, I even Match my shopping bag to my outfit! Duh.
I was out for the day, and had decided to stop a few places. Annie was my co-pilot and we were ready to pay out. Fun stuff for the house and some food to make later in the weekend was on the wish list. My first stop was quite productive, and I was pumped at everything I found. The second left more to be desired.
I get it.
A lot of people don't find pleasure in paying for goods and services. And they actually find it fearsome. You can see it in their faces, and you can watch it in action as they waddle through the aisles like drones. And now that's it's practically winter here, everyone's in their black puffy coat, furthering the drone dress code. It's like the puffy coat is like their version of body armor against the aisles of paper towels and toilet paper. Wouldn't it be interesting to get the perspective from people, not from here?
Enter here the entitlement.
Cast someone behind a cart and suddenly their ready to rule the world. Or at least the whole lane. Their Driving Miss Daily and they've got Shit to do. And their shit is wayyyyy more important than mine or yours.(insert further entitlement issues) I can't even count how many time this weekend I was nearly rammed or run into by one of those aluminum ass- hats.(sorry for the onslaught of swearing on this one) And the looks I was given? Pfffttt... Like I was the one in the way and in the wrong. How Dare I get in the way of your important gettings.
Don't even get me started on the center- aisler's. Pick a lane lady and stay in it. Your center- aisle surfing ain't getting you any Hang- tens in this troop. And please don't act surprised if I try and squeeze by you, did you Actually think you were the Only one here?! I know it's a really big deal to stay to the side for someone else. So maybe next time, you should do your shopping after 9.
We all go to the same store. The kind that don't even play music to serenade us while we spend our millions there. We encourage creativity and expression, but put the same things in our carts. The fluorescent lights cast dimly lit shadows on more of the same. And we scornfully watch the red shirts as they scurry to open additional lanes before the drones wage together to destroy, if they have to wait, One, more Minute.
So next weekend, this girl will be sitting this stop Out.
She will be icing her Achilles heels from the Drone that Drove right into her.
Her weekend will be free of the clamoring that congests the center aisles.
And she will wear her bright pink coat, as an accessory of body armor against Shopping Carts and other Housewife Weaponry.

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