Sunday, November 30, 2014

Say it ain't So

Welcome to adulthood and the land of the insincere compliment.
Or as I like to refer to as the Backhanded Compliment.
If you follow me on Instagram,,,(hint* hint*) you'll know that my "description" reads: Cynic, Style icon, Straight- shooter, and that couldn't be more Dead On.
And during this past Thanksgiving holiday, I got to thinking about the things that are said every day, that may Not be so sincere, and some seriously funny. That's where the straight- shooter comes in.
So it gets complicated when someone Actually Does give you a compliment...here enters the Cynic.
 
When I was planning our wedding I started with the photographer first. Since there is a very likely chance I will not remember much of this life, I wanted to make Damn sure I had amazing photos to capture the day, and pretty pictures to page through. I had no idea what to budget, and found someone talented beyond their time. Her going rate was 3x what I expected to spend. As I paged through her on- line gallery, I concluded that P and I weren't good looking enough to be in her photos!(true story) When I shared this with her, she of course laughed, and put me at perfect ease. I replied "Yeah, all Brides are beautiful, right?" She said, "No...actually all Brides and All Babies Are not beautiful!!"
You're HIRED!!
 
If you are not following me(as in train of thought) I will Thankfully divvy said list up into Holidays/ Occasions for your enjoyment. Cheers!
 
Thanksgiving:
"Ohh,, this is a moist bird" "Is the turkey dry?" "Ohh no,, Not at all,,,but can you pass the gravy?" (backhanded compliment) Yes, No One in the history of serving Thanksgiving dinner, has ever served a dry bird. We're all just really there for the stuffing, potatoes, and pie.
 
New baby:
"Ohh what a beautiful baby" ,"Looks just like his Mother" (babies in the history of babies never have looked like any fathers, it's always the mother) "Look at those big lips!" "Ohh he's Smiling! he's already smiling". And Fathers be prepared: If you're expecting a girl, be prepared to hear plenty of, "ohh boy watch out when she starts Dating!' or, "ohh I bet you're going to Spoil her rotten!" Because if you're having a boy, apparently None of this will happen.  And if you already have a boy, and are now expecting a girl, you are destined to hear, "Well,, a boy and a girl! I guess you're Done now, right?!" Yes, Thank you for planning my reproductive future.
Someone recently shared with me the hilarious thought, that there is actually only 1 ultrasound of an  baby out there. Doctors just pass out the same photo to anyone expecting!! And by the way, when you show that photo, No One knows where to look.
 
Weddings:
"You're the most beautiful Bride" followed by, "Your dress is so pretty", not to be outdone with, "The cake is sooo Moist!" Yes, I'm aware, many of these revolve around moist food,, which is actually, quite DRY. Don't even get me started on the Free wine. You may also actually hear, "You had the Best wedding Ever!!" I have been to 1 Amazing wedding. And you may argue I must not know That many amazing people. Wrong. This was out west, down a 10 mile dirt road, at a log lumberjack bar and the Father of the groom grilled steaks. True Story. Heather& Cody's.
 
Tattoos:
I got my first one around age 20. It was on a trip out west, and it was Horrible!
It was successfully covered years later. That I'd like to add to my younger, clean skinned readers: Nothing is permanent. and I do mean NOTHING. As I added to my collection, I started to get the obvious questions/ statements.
"What does That Mean?" and "Why'd you get That?"(I apparently was suppose to consult you first?) and then It came..."What happens when your 90 and you're a tattoo'd old woman?".
To that I say, "well, I'll give the nurses in the old folks home even More to talk about!"
Ink on, my friends.
 
So next time you think of paying someone a compliment, make sure it's sincere and heart felt.  Make it unique as the person you are delivering it to. Consider how many countless times that person may have seen that same card.
Otherwise the recipient may be thinking, Say it ain't So.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Shopping Carts & other Housewife Weaponry

This weekend I was out with the masses.
You see, I'm normally working part or some of the weekend, and when I'm not, I'm far from any specific store. And after this weekend, I think I'd like to keep it that way. 
You see when I venture out I'm like a man shopper. I have a definite destination in mind, a list, and always bring my own shopping bags. Those plastic things drive me nuts, and they make So many cute ones for re-using. It's all about the look, even down to my bag- it has nothing to do with staying green! Sometimes,, if I'm Really rockin' it, I even Match my shopping bag to my outfit! Duh.
 
I was out for the day, and had decided to stop a few places. Annie was my co-pilot and we were ready to pay out. Fun stuff for the house and some food to make later in the weekend was on the wish list. My first stop was quite productive, and I was pumped at everything I found. The second left more to be desired.
 
I get it.
A lot of people don't find pleasure in paying for goods and services. And they actually find it fearsome. You can see it in their faces, and you can watch it in action as they waddle through the aisles like drones. And now that's it's practically winter here, everyone's in their black puffy coat, furthering the drone dress code. It's like the puffy coat is like their version of body armor against the aisles of paper towels and toilet paper. Wouldn't it be interesting to get the perspective from people, not from here?
 
Enter here the entitlement.
Cast someone behind a cart and suddenly their ready to rule the world. Or at least the whole lane. Their Driving Miss Daily and they've got Shit to do. And their shit is wayyyyy more important than mine or yours.(insert further entitlement issues) I can't even count how many time this weekend I was nearly rammed or run into by one of those aluminum ass- hats.(sorry for the onslaught of swearing on this one) And the looks I was given? Pfffttt... Like I was the one in the way and in the wrong. How Dare I get in the way of your important gettings.
Don't even get me started on the center- aisler's. Pick a lane lady and stay in it. Your center- aisle surfing ain't getting you any Hang- tens in this troop. And please don't act surprised if I try and squeeze by you, did you Actually think you were the Only one here?! I know it's a really big deal to stay to the side for someone else. So maybe next time, you should do your shopping after 9.
 
We all go to the same store. The kind that don't even play music to serenade us while we spend our millions there. We encourage creativity and expression, but put the same things in our carts. The fluorescent lights cast dimly lit shadows on more of the same. And we scornfully watch the red shirts as they scurry to open additional lanes before the drones wage together to destroy, if they have to wait, One, more Minute.
 
So next weekend, this girl will be sitting this stop Out.
She will be icing her Achilles heels from the Drone that Drove right into her.
Her weekend will be free of the clamoring that congests the center aisles.
And she will wear her bright pink coat, as an accessory of body armor against Shopping Carts and other Housewife Weaponry.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Tartan, Turkey, and seeking a Traditional Thanksgiving

Round the water cooler this week, the conversation inevitably turned towards Thanksgiving.
I had my suspicions, but I definitely confirmed this week that I am actually a Traditionalist at heart. Yup, take away the neon tights and the 30 shades of almost the same lipstick in my bag, and yes, I'm actually quite a simpleton. Gasp.
I prefer my turkey baked in an oven, my stuffing out of the box(gasp again!)and my potatoes boiled and beat until buttery smooth. I'll enjoy a piece of pumpkin pie, and copious amounts of black olives. Preferably eaten off my 10 digits! It's when the talk about the feast gets Fancy, I flee. The sweet potatoes don't need to be in a soufflĂ©, and don't we have enough bad stories from the media about Deep Fryers? Then there's the giblets. Ohhh gosh the giblets! Can we please get the giblets out of the gastro feast? Who even likes Liver? I'm All for Pinterest-ing into the pre- dawn hours for a new idea for dinner..However, Can we keep Turkey Day totally normal?
 
I appreciate Thanksgiving more than I thought.
To me , it's much more of a heartfelt holiday than Christmas.
There's no pressure of delivering perfectly wrapped presents, and after all the treats, it's the time I'm most Thankful for. Every Thanksgiving morning you'll find me in my footed pajamas, enjoying my favorite Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. The sweet spot being Snoopy swinging in the air, and watching the Rockettes, reach new heights with their high kicks!
 
So this Thanksgiving, Can we keep the tricks for Halloween and keep the treats on the more Traditional side? Be mindful of your inner Martha, and move those big plans to the back burner. Until then, you'll find me in my footed jammies, feeding on the black olives.
 
 

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Sorry, Not Sorry

I gave someone an apology a few weeks back that wasn't deserved. 
And it got me to thinking about apologies and when you give them and even how you say them.
An old boyfriend of mine brought to my attention that I would have the tendency to "Apologize, rather than say "I'm Sorry". He said it was the p.c. way of trying to make things better, without actually admitting you were wrong.(Good point Hoss) He was right. That's why it was bothersome to me that just recently I gave an "I'm Sorry" out that wasn't warranted.
I Said I was Sorry for the things that I write Here on Coffee...WTF ..right?? I don't force your hand, and I don't make you read. Ya'll are doing that just fine on your own(and Thank you for that!) and if your "Offended" by something??...Say it with me,,"it's likely that your doing the Very thing I'm writing about" 
I'm Not sorry. Not at all. And what I write here on this little Blog is all mine. Material is everywhere in front of me and more often than not keeps me awake far too often. The commonalities that we as humans all go through is fascinating, and deserves some conversation. Fred always said, "Your only bothered by the truth", and the rest my friends, is all just in the fuzzy Grey details of life. I couldn't have said it better. 

Monday, November 17, 2014

Deer, & the Trophy Wife

I was born in August.
My Dad came home from a deer hunting trip and my mom was "Happy to see him".
My Dad was always a hunter. Northern in the summer and Whitetails in the fall.
In the archive of my parents photo albums, there is a photo of my mom carrying me, well into her 8th month. There next to her was my Dad, with his big old brown aluminum cooler, and his catch laid out along the driveway. It wasn't until recently I made the connection, "Dad went to Canada when you were 8 months pregnant with me?" Yes, he sure did. Apparently, with 2 other girls at home, he thought a "little fishing trip" would be all right.
 
If you know me, at all, you'll know this is my favorite story. This is the story I tell every fall. Even if it's just in my head, as soon as the trees are empty I start thinking about it. When the days get shorter and I still get a homesick feeling. This story is to my Dad that House of Cards(July post) was to my Mom(Read it, it's pretty damn good) Both speak massive volumes about the people they are, and were.
 
Every fall my Dad would pull his gear out in the garage to air out. My Mom would mend any patches it may need, and made sure his tag was visible on the back of his jacket. He would stay with a family friend and hunt on the land he grew up running through. His daughters were born in August, September and November, and he never missed an opener. I can still see his Orange hanging in their golden kitchen every November. He always came back for Thanksgiving, weather the hunt was harvested or not. Like most men, I believe now that he mostly went to avoid the daily grind, and get back to his glory days roots. And that was perfectly good for us 4 girls.
One year, while he was gone, we even got our first puppy! She was a beagle mix, and through his best act of disapproval, upon his arrival back home, I knew he really liked her. She was a good one, and she waited up every night till he got home to hear about his day, and hound around the yard.
 
The year came when he caught The Big One. The one that deserved to be displayed in our home. The one that P hopes to hunt this year. He got up before dawn and drove that deer out of the woods. Afterwards, he came upon a man while he was moving it. He'd never seen him before in those woods, he wondered what he was doing there. The man was a new father that had not been out that way to hunt before. He was there to provide for his new family and my father knew the right thing to do. He gave up the display, he had waited some years to dote on and sent the new father with a feast for the next year.
 
You see he told the man that he didn't need it as much as him. That he also had mouths to feed, but he would find meat elsewhere. The mount didn't matter, because he already had 3 trophy's at home. And those 3 girls gave him more than any mammal making eyes at him on the wall ever could.
 
So this November, let your man get back to his glory days and get out in the woods. Have some girl time of your own and make new traditions. Greet him at the door and let him know, you're "Really glad to see him". He may just give away a potential trophy, if he decides he's already got something at home worth dying for.

Friday, November 14, 2014

A Checkered Past

Drinks tonight found me deep into a discussion about Dating, Doting, and what we do to each other.
I have a Past, you have a Past, we All have a Past. And as much as we try to keep those un- pleasant things, in the Past, sometimes they end up in our present. If you follow me on Pinterest(hint* hint*) you'll enjoy my Board, "i hate quotes", and yes, I Really do Hate quotes. But once in awhile, you read one that Really stings and rings true. This blog could revolve around, "How you treat others, says more about You, than it does about them"
 
I was in a relationship for 10 years with someone that found it difficult to show affection towards others. I was allowed 3 kisses a day, and he kept a rigid count. Otherwise I was being "too needy". I was a casualty of his continued behavior. I could have decided to continue these behaviors to my next relationship, but I didn't. That baggage, no matter what the designer brand, wasn't continuing into my next nuptial.
 
I've always said, P makes me a better person and, it wasn't easy to admit that early on. But The sooner I realized that, I wanted it for him and more so for me, made it all worth it. Even in some of the darkest days and the most tense times, I cannot stay mad at him and he makes me cave every time. What's to gain by being a total B? Nothing. It may take some years to get to this.
 
Treating people in your life poorly, just because you were the product of a patronizing environment, doesn't make it right. The same as an alcoholic does the work and goes to treatment to stay sober, someone who treats others poorly, can re- wire and do the work to change the course of the future. Can you imagine continuing a condescending environment? If you make apologies or amends for how you treat others just because of a way you were once treated, you will likely be living a life alone.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Hey Bartender

$6.99 my Friends..$6.99 is what this little cutie set me back.
Later this summer at my favorite thrift ship I spotted this near the entryway and just Knew No one would take it. However, Furniture, and spaces have a strange way of "talking" to me. I know.. it sounds crazy. But I can immediately envision what something "Wants"? to be. 
I had ALL intentions of selling it. I swear...Call it a hobby, but I completely enjoy the hauling, the painting and of course, the Styling of these pieces they Just don't make anymore! And truth is, as soon as P say it all painted up and pretty, "Why aren't WE keeping this?" came out!
And speaking of styling...I couldn't resist getting a few new sparklers to go inside! P.S. I Just saw that book at a fancy schmancy Foodie store,,,for $24.99..I paid,,wait for it...89 cents! 
So, $30 in white enamel (the only way I go) spray paint later!! 
Did I mention this thing had a Full stereo and record player I had to dis- assemble!? And before I get hate mail..I Gave this thing NEW Life! 
 
Look at that Cute swing down door and That trim!! 
And there she was..right next to the plaid sofa. Perhaps all she needed to hear to make her Really shine was, Hey, Bartender"!