Sunday, November 30, 2014

Say it ain't So

Welcome to adulthood and the land of the insincere compliment.
Or as I like to refer to as the Backhanded Compliment.
If you follow me on Instagram,,,(hint* hint*) you'll know that my "description" reads: Cynic, Style icon, Straight- shooter, and that couldn't be more Dead On.
And during this past Thanksgiving holiday, I got to thinking about the things that are said every day, that may Not be so sincere, and some seriously funny. That's where the straight- shooter comes in.
So it gets complicated when someone Actually Does give you a enters the Cynic.
When I was planning our wedding I started with the photographer first. Since there is a very likely chance I will not remember much of this life, I wanted to make Damn sure I had amazing photos to capture the day, and pretty pictures to page through. I had no idea what to budget, and found someone talented beyond their time. Her going rate was 3x what I expected to spend. As I paged through her on- line gallery, I concluded that P and I weren't good looking enough to be in her photos!(true story) When I shared this with her, she of course laughed, and put me at perfect ease. I replied "Yeah, all Brides are beautiful, right?" She said, "No...actually all Brides and All Babies Are not beautiful!!"
You're HIRED!!
If you are not following me(as in train of thought) I will Thankfully divvy said list up into Holidays/ Occasions for your enjoyment. Cheers!
"Ohh,, this is a moist bird" "Is the turkey dry?" "Ohh no,, Not at all,,,but can you pass the gravy?" (backhanded compliment) Yes, No One in the history of serving Thanksgiving dinner, has ever served a dry bird. We're all just really there for the stuffing, potatoes, and pie.
New baby:
"Ohh what a beautiful baby" ,"Looks just like his Mother" (babies in the history of babies never have looked like any fathers, it's always the mother) "Look at those big lips!" "Ohh he's Smiling! he's already smiling". And Fathers be prepared: If you're expecting a girl, be prepared to hear plenty of, "ohh boy watch out when she starts Dating!' or, "ohh I bet you're going to Spoil her rotten!" Because if you're having a boy, apparently None of this will happen.  And if you already have a boy, and are now expecting a girl, you are destined to hear, "Well,, a boy and a girl! I guess you're Done now, right?!" Yes, Thank you for planning my reproductive future.
Someone recently shared with me the hilarious thought, that there is actually only 1 ultrasound of an  baby out there. Doctors just pass out the same photo to anyone expecting!! And by the way, when you show that photo, No One knows where to look.
"You're the most beautiful Bride" followed by, "Your dress is so pretty", not to be outdone with, "The cake is sooo Moist!" Yes, I'm aware, many of these revolve around moist food,, which is actually, quite DRY. Don't even get me started on the Free wine. You may also actually hear, "You had the Best wedding Ever!!" I have been to 1 Amazing wedding. And you may argue I must not know That many amazing people. Wrong. This was out west, down a 10 mile dirt road, at a log lumberjack bar and the Father of the groom grilled steaks. True Story. Heather& Cody's.
I got my first one around age 20. It was on a trip out west, and it was Horrible!
It was successfully covered years later. That I'd like to add to my younger, clean skinned readers: Nothing is permanent. and I do mean NOTHING. As I added to my collection, I started to get the obvious questions/ statements.
"What does That Mean?" and "Why'd you get That?"(I apparently was suppose to consult you first?) and then It came..."What happens when your 90 and you're a tattoo'd old woman?".
To that I say, "well, I'll give the nurses in the old folks home even More to talk about!"
Ink on, my friends.
So next time you think of paying someone a compliment, make sure it's sincere and heart felt.  Make it unique as the person you are delivering it to. Consider how many countless times that person may have seen that same card.
Otherwise the recipient may be thinking, Say it ain't So.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Deer, & the Trophy Wife

I was born in August.
My Dad came home from a deer hunting trip and my mom was "Happy to see him".
My Dad was always a hunter. Northern in the summer and Whitetails in the fall.
In the archive of my parents photo albums, there is a photo of my mom carrying me, well into her 8th month. There next to her was my Dad, with his big old brown aluminum cooler, and his catch laid out along the driveway. It wasn't until recently I made the connection, "Dad went to Canada when you were 8 months pregnant with me?" Yes, he sure did. Apparently, with 2 other girls at home, he thought a "little fishing trip" would be all right.
If you know me, at all, you'll know this is my favorite story. This is the story I tell every fall. Even if it's just in my head, as soon as the trees are empty I start thinking about it. When the days get shorter and I still get a homesick feeling. This story is to my Dad that House of Cards(July post) was to my Mom(Read it, it's pretty damn good) Both speak massive volumes about the people they are, and were.
Every fall my Dad would pull his gear out in the garage to air out. My Mom would mend any patches it may need, and made sure his tag was visible on the back of his jacket. He would stay with a family friend and hunt on the land he grew up running through. His daughters were born in August, September and November, and he never missed an opener. I can still see his Orange hanging in their golden kitchen every November. He always came back for Thanksgiving, weather the hunt was harvested or not. Like most men, I believe now that he mostly went to avoid the daily grind, and get back to his glory days roots. And that was perfectly good for us 4 girls.
One year, while he was gone, we even got our first puppy! She was a beagle mix, and through his best act of disapproval, upon his arrival back home, I knew he really liked her. She was a good one, and she waited up every night till he got home to hear about his day, and hound around the yard.
The year came when he caught The Big One. The one that deserved to be displayed in our home. The one that P hopes to hunt this year. He got up before dawn and drove that deer out of the woods. Afterwards, he came upon a man while he was moving it. He'd never seen him before in those woods, he wondered what he was doing there. The man was a new father that had not been out that way to hunt before. He was there to provide for his new family and my father knew the right thing to do. He gave up the display, he had waited some years to dote on and sent the new father with a feast for the next year.
You see he told the man that he didn't need it as much as him. That he also had mouths to feed, but he would find meat elsewhere. The mount didn't matter, because he already had 3 trophy's at home. And those 3 girls gave him more than any mammal making eyes at him on the wall ever could.
So this November, let your man get back to his glory days and get out in the woods. Have some girl time of your own and make new traditions. Greet him at the door and let him know, you're "Really glad to see him". He may just give away a potential trophy, if he decides he's already got something at home worth dying for.

Friday, November 14, 2014

A Checkered Past

Drinks tonight found me deep into a discussion about Dating, Doting, and what we do to each other.
I have a Past, you have a Past, we All have a Past. And as much as we try to keep those un- pleasant things, in the Past, sometimes they end up in our present. If you follow me on Pinterest(hint* hint*) you'll enjoy my Board, "i hate quotes", and yes, I Really do Hate quotes. But once in awhile, you read one that Really stings and rings true. This blog could revolve around, "How you treat others, says more about You, than it does about them"
I was in a relationship for 10 years with someone that found it difficult to show affection towards others. I was allowed 3 kisses a day, and he kept a rigid count. Otherwise I was being "too needy". I was a casualty of his continued behavior. I could have decided to continue these behaviors to my next relationship, but I didn't. That baggage, no matter what the designer brand, wasn't continuing into my next nuptial.
I've always said, P makes me a better person and, it wasn't easy to admit that early on. But The sooner I realized that, I wanted it for him and more so for me, made it all worth it. Even in some of the darkest days and the most tense times, I cannot stay mad at him and he makes me cave every time. What's to gain by being a total B? Nothing. It may take some years to get to this.
Treating people in your life poorly, just because you were the product of a patronizing environment, doesn't make it right. The same as an alcoholic does the work and goes to treatment to stay sober, someone who treats others poorly, can re- wire and do the work to change the course of the future. Can you imagine continuing a condescending environment? If you make apologies or amends for how you treat others just because of a way you were once treated, you will likely be living a life alone.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Hey Bartender

$6.99 my Friends..$6.99 is what this little cutie set me back.
Later this summer at my favorite thrift ship I spotted this near the entryway and just Knew No one would take it. However, Furniture, and spaces have a strange way of "talking" to me. I know.. it sounds crazy. But I can immediately envision what something "Wants"? to be. 
I had ALL intentions of selling it. I swear...Call it a hobby, but I completely enjoy the hauling, the painting and of course, the Styling of these pieces they Just don't make anymore! And truth is, as soon as P say it all painted up and pretty, "Why aren't WE keeping this?" came out!
And speaking of styling...I couldn't resist getting a few new sparklers to go inside! P.S. I Just saw that book at a fancy schmancy Foodie store,,,for $24.99..I paid,,wait for it...89 cents! 
So, $30 in white enamel (the only way I go) spray paint later!! 
Did I mention this thing had a Full stereo and record player I had to dis- assemble!? And before I get hate mail..I Gave this thing NEW Life! 
Look at that Cute swing down door and That trim!! 
And there she was..right next to the plaid sofa. Perhaps all she needed to hear to make her Really shine was, Hey, Bartender"! 

Sunday, November 9, 2014

I'm a Lover, not a Fighter

Today's lunch discussion with my bestie was about a mutual acquaintance we know, that has recently become engaged. The two are in their early twenties, and have been dating for a few years. They both live in the same town they grew up in and have Never, Ever, left. And so begins the Pre-determined Timeline of the Rest of your Life.
You Know these people. We All know These people. These are the people that almost Always have an altercation in public. Be it a family function or a sporting event, the Sparring will be in full force. Wanna see it escalate? Just add alcohol. I've always thought of it as Truth serum, because all of a sudden someone gets Real Gutsy. Infidelity, erectile dysfunction, and orgasm issues all come out for discussion. Now, mix in a money issue? You've got a real fight in front of you.Think I'm kidding? I've been on the overhearing side of this conversation far too many times. Think I have no business listening? Guess again. These people have No business talking about this in public. But this is their circus and they are performer's. And these two can turn it on and off like a light switch. Disturbing.
And so it began, about 2 years ago. The statement of, "He needs to propose within the next year".  And of course I'm the one to ask, "And if he doesn't?"  What? will you leave him? What if it doesn't happen on your timeline?" And so it happens. And I can only imagine the issues that are about to impose on their lives. So during our lunch over drinks we compare all the reasons why it won't work, and she asks me, "you think she'll leave him first, or him leave her?"
These are the people that Stay together.
They stay together and keep the performance alive for us all. These are the people that pepper in some children in hopes of securing a more stable future. These are the people that constantly ask their parents or in- laws to watch their children so they can have a "night out". And because they've both been confined for at least 9-12 months, just reeling in resentment issues towards one another, their ready to cast a line. And nearby passengers? Their just bait. Consoling crying girls in the bathroom and bailing out the boys when they get a disorderly conduct ticket.
We hear you we All Hear you. And it's awkward. Then it gets even More awkward when the bickering stops and suddenly everything's okay and I feel like I'm the one that did something wrong.
So I will send the card.
 I will woefully send my well-wishes and say nothing about how I feel like everything will turn out.
I may even sit and have the pre-ordered steak dinner and drink the free Franzia.
See I'm a Lover, not a Fighter, and I wish more people were too.
Or maybe just keep the arguing to their own abode.