Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Bicycles and Baby Talk

I do not prefer, the company of infants. It makes complete sense, I don't enjoy the company of many adults, so why would infants be much different? I think I mostly do not prefer their company due in part more so because of the accompaniment of adults and the "conversation" they bring. Yes, this is where my inner Miranda comes out.(I'm usually a Carrie) And if you don't know what That means,, this definitely isn't your blog.
It may sound harsh to you, so let me explain.
1.I cannot tell if your infant is a boy or girl. Yes, unless you have lassoed one of those unfortunate elastic satin bands with a bow to your child's nearly hair- less head, that's gender specific, I can't tell if we are male or female. And if said child is a boy, why doesn't he get head gear? I think a terrycloth sweatband would be hysterical on a baby boy. Or a fedora? Now we're talkin'.
2.I don't think infants Really do anything until 9 months. My best friend and I have determined that I will need a nanny, Au pair, or she'll just have to come and live with me because she loves 0-9 months. And considering that my life is about remaining a productive person, I have a hard time sitting still and not initiating progress of some sort. And let me please reference the month count: When your child is one year old, yes 12 months, That's precisely when you can Stop telling people in months. "Ohh little Jackson? Well he's 32 months old!". Fail.
3. I can't give you insincere, forced compliments. Babies look like babies to me. They don't look like angels. Angels are dead people. I do believe I have a backseat driver, but I sure haven't seen some wings or feathers in the back seat of my car. If I say nothing to you, or your infant, that means I have nothing nice to say. My choice to remain composed and silent, is far more considerate in your direction than telling you something I don't actually believe. Infants bring out a feigned sincerity in people that you may never see at another time, and a method of communication that clearly shouldn't be used. I will talk to a 4 year old the same way I talk to a 40 year old. Dogs bring out a side of me that is far more giving. I will bend over, hold out my hand, and pick up any dog in front of me.  Even if I think its a bad dog, I know it's highly likely that way because of its owner.
We are all completely aware that every parent is extremely proud of their "Creation". We have never, ever heard of anyone else walking, talking, counting, pooping(eehh,,) as quickly as your little genius.(Sarc.) Don't forget to mention what percentile they are in for all of those either.
So for the naysayers that have told me for Years, "Ohh you'll feel differently when it's yours"..Umm Thank you? I recently helped a woman that was burning the candle at both ends. She as running around getting last minute necessities for her family vacation. She had to pack,, Well you know, her kids bags, her husbands bags, then finally when would Her bags be a priority? As our conversation grew to a close she looked at me and remarked, "Ohh, How would You know?" It was so assumptive I almost felt like shooting back, "Personal style> Ohh, How would You know?"
And this my friends is why I would rather talk about Bicycles, than Babies.

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