Sunday, March 30, 2014

Toe Polish PSA

I like to think of this Blog as part Girl Talk, part PSA and part Confessional. Chances are, if you're "Offended" by any of the topics, or call outs on this blog: 1. Your probley guilty or 2. This probley isn't your blog and you should move on. Back in the day when we had Oprah on network programming, she would call something out that people should Stop doing( likely years before her call- out) and then it was like "Ohh, I need to stop" doing that, and immediate action would occur. Well I'm not black(obvi.) and I'm not Oprah( you may have noticed)
A nice spring day of 50 degrees is the perfect time to go PSA on everyone and tall about Toe Etiquette. Apparently today, the weather was ripe enough(pun intended) to break out the flip- flops. And its perfect timing to go get your toes done. I'm in the year round' club over here. I figure I have to look at my feet year round', why shouldn't they be cute all year? Years ago my Mom asked me, "Who would be looking at my feet in open toed shoes?" My answer: "Anyone with two eyes". Yes, unfortunately when I see someone wearing sandals, for what ever reason, my eyes are like a radar beam that cannot stop looking. So I've seen it all: The good, the bad,and the Truly Ugly. Even P goes at least once a season and pays someone to insult him in a different language all in the prospect of maintaince.
The violations:
1.Chipped Toe Nail polish. The Worst. Chipped nail polish is even worse than no nail polish. And chipped nail polish on the craggly unfiled toes of a 14 year old girl in short shorts..I Can't. Acetone sells for .97 at Target. Pro Tip: go get some. Chipped toenail polish signifies: I once cared, but no longer do, and I don't care who see's.
2.French Polish on the toes. I Really Can't. Not even for a wedding. Not even in the South. A girl and I at work recently had a debate about to French or not to French. She's in her younger 20's and I HAD to set her straight. Traditional French manicures with a white or off- white tip are now reserved for senior citizens, or anyone who resides in a mobile home. And don't think by changing the tip color, your off the hook. Move on.
3. Toe rings, Toe jewelry. The 90's called. They want their embellishments back. Playboy magazine published a list recently of the Top 10 signs a girl is Easy. Tramp stamps and Toe rings were amongst the Top 5.
4.Lotion. Lotion.Lotion. At night, before you go to bed. Preferably under socks. The heels I have seen in 10 years of airport travel, resemble worse than the cracked crumbling foundations on many a re- habbed home.
5.Buy the Shoe(s) that fit. Cramming your foot into a pointed stiletto that's 1/2 a size too small is concealable, and painless unless worn while consuming a martini. Wearing a sandal that's a 1/2 size to small, will only have looking like your gripping onto the Grand Canyon.
So this Tuesday(my standard polish night) Treat your toes and the rest of us with two eyes and get some polish on those piggies!! 

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Bicycles and Baby Talk

I do not prefer, the company of infants. It makes complete sense, I don't enjoy the company of many adults, so why would infants be much different? I think I mostly do not prefer their company due in part more so because of the accompaniment of adults and the "conversation" they bring. Yes, this is where my inner Miranda comes out.(I'm usually a Carrie) And if you don't know what That means,, this definitely isn't your blog.
It may sound harsh to you, so let me explain.
1.I cannot tell if your infant is a boy or girl. Yes, unless you have lassoed one of those unfortunate elastic satin bands with a bow to your child's nearly hair- less head, that's gender specific, I can't tell if we are male or female. And if said child is a boy, why doesn't he get head gear? I think a terrycloth sweatband would be hysterical on a baby boy. Or a fedora? Now we're talkin'.
2.I don't think infants Really do anything until 9 months. My best friend and I have determined that I will need a nanny, Au pair, or she'll just have to come and live with me because she loves 0-9 months. And considering that my life is about remaining a productive person, I have a hard time sitting still and not initiating progress of some sort. And let me please reference the month count: When your child is one year old, yes 12 months, That's precisely when you can Stop telling people in months. "Ohh little Jackson? Well he's 32 months old!". Fail.
3. I can't give you insincere, forced compliments. Babies look like babies to me. They don't look like angels. Angels are dead people. I do believe I have a backseat driver, but I sure haven't seen some wings or feathers in the back seat of my car. If I say nothing to you, or your infant, that means I have nothing nice to say. My choice to remain composed and silent, is far more considerate in your direction than telling you something I don't actually believe. Infants bring out a feigned sincerity in people that you may never see at another time, and a method of communication that clearly shouldn't be used. I will talk to a 4 year old the same way I talk to a 40 year old. Dogs bring out a side of me that is far more giving. I will bend over, hold out my hand, and pick up any dog in front of me.  Even if I think its a bad dog, I know it's highly likely that way because of its owner.
We are all completely aware that every parent is extremely proud of their "Creation". We have never, ever heard of anyone else walking, talking, counting, pooping(eehh,,) as quickly as your little genius.(Sarc.) Don't forget to mention what percentile they are in for all of those either.
So for the naysayers that have told me for Years, "Ohh you'll feel differently when it's yours"..Umm Thank you? I recently helped a woman that was burning the candle at both ends. She as running around getting last minute necessities for her family vacation. She had to pack,, Well you know, her kids bags, her husbands bags, then finally when would Her bags be a priority? As our conversation grew to a close she looked at me and remarked, "Ohh, How would You know?" It was so assumptive I almost felt like shooting back, "Personal style> Ohh, How would You know?"
And this my friends is why I would rather talk about Bicycles, than Babies.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Who Do know wants to buy a Car?

I've always said that there's a special place in hell for people that shoplift underwear, or food. I've been considering it for awhile, and I think it's only well deserved that we add Car Salesmen to that list.
That also includes finance managers, and the "Managers" of such establishments. Who else gets to look at your finances, including your social security numbers, and Then pass judgment on You in they're: Bad Suits: Always 4-5 sizes too big. This is usually due to them being a recent parolee, and not having the "Time" to shop. Followed by even worse shoes, see previous reasoning, and rounded out by some really awkward pre- patterned baldness. They shuffle around every day, in and out of their carpeted- wall cubicles, drinking the standard break room swill.
The gig is always the same. You arrive at the dealership and everyone is wine and roses and hand- shaky. They can't get you in fast enough. Their like roaches making reservations at the roach hotel. They draw up paperwork expecting you to just sign your life over and pay sticker price. If you make an attempt to negotiate, the sophomoric salesman will go to his "managers office" to run it by the big man. He will appear after shooting the shit, drinking more swill, and Facebooking. Then he will come back to you with some doctored paperwork about what they 1. Have into the vehicle 2. What they paid the person for in when a trade- in was made(doctored)3.What they "Own" the vehicle for. Cough,,,bullshit.
Did I mention that after purchasing several homes in this lifetime I've determined there is more red tape and b.s. when buying a vehicle??
My parents always owned domestic. Chrysler products to be exact. My Dads brother worked for the company, and even though we never saw any of those kickbacks, they continued to support the brand. They continued to buy, and fix, and have towed to the mechanic on a regular basis. I knew years before I was a regular driver I would never own domestic. I drive foreign. I support a foreign produced vehicle that's not going to call it quits at 100k miles. Years ago I owned a 4 Runner that crossed into the 300's. That's a damn good vehicle.
My ex never believed in having payments for vehicles, or toys, so we always paid cash. Fortunately, that meant not having to go into the Roach Motel(car dealership) too often. Unfortunately this meant my name wasn't on anything. No paperwork, no ownership. When I was finally single, I ventured out and bought and financed my new ride. It was virtually the most seamless experience. I did all my research online, filled out any and all paperwork via fax, and a day later got a call to come pick it up. When the time came I was prepared. I loaded my 2 dogs into my trade- in, and off we went. The dealership was more than willing to have my dogs come in and have run of the place. I knew when they made the attempt to haggle and get me to sign up for they're own "insurance" or further bullshit interest heavy payment plan, I just involved myself in entertaining the dogs. I was out in 90 minutes and ever looked back.
So now that I'm once again in the market for a vehicle, I'm hoping my last experience will follow me. I've been doing my research, and have kept my distance from any 8 legged dealers I've come into contact with. And when the time comes, and I find just the right one, you can better believe I'll be bringing my 4- legged loved ones with me!

Thursday, March 20, 2014

20 Things...about Me

Trending on Instagram today was the pass around topic of: 20 Things about me.
Since I rarely write fluff pieces, I decided to get out of my comfort zone and roll with it. So here goes: Enjoy:)
1.I hate food coloring on cake, cupcakes, or really any baked good. I actually prefer no frosting on my baked goods.
2.I don't like chocolate. I'd rather eat vegetables. On our first Valentines Day as a couple P bought me a box of expensive chocolates. I gave them to my best friend!!
3.I was 4 when I started kindergarten(NOT K4, actual kindergarten), and 16 when I graduated high school.
4.My 1st job was a Caddy. I was a Caddy at age 13. For 3 summers.
5. I have built, remodeled, and renovated 3 of my homes. I'm planning for the next one to start within a year. If I didn't have to work I'd renovate for the working poor.
6. 8 Years ago I started a business named This Little Piggy> Vintage clothing re- made into childrens apparel.
7. I have had to put down 3 dogs in this lifetime. The first when I was 16. I took her in myself. When I got home my Dad cried when he realized what I did, alone.
8.I participated in high school gymnastics my 1st year of middle school. I continued for 10 more years, and coached college level.
9.I used to clean my room every week, and re- arranged it 2-3 times a year.
10. When I was little, I didn't now the word "colonel", so I would call KFC "Colonial" Sanders. HOW did I know the word Colonial???
11.I have been to 45 of 50 states.
12.I can't swallow pills.
13.My favorite time of the day is 5am- 8am. At home, or work.
14. Spaces speak to be. If I walk into a bad room arrangement, I have to change it. This has happened 10 minutes before a dinner party.
15.My ring finger on my left hand is 3 sizes smaller than my right hand...Tricky for P when "snooping" for what size ring to buy. I just told him, "go big or go home" 
16.I don't like chunky ice cream, chicken prepared by anyone but me, or pork.
17. I would rather smell body odor than dirty hair.
18.I have over 150 pairs of shoes.
19.I sleep with my socks on, then kick them off in the middle of the night. At the end of the week our bed is FULL of socks.
20. I have always written.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Church Chat

How coincidental that I start this blog off on a Sunday morning. Well truth is, like most things and thoughts, I tend to marinate on them for sometime, take some notes of brilliance, then develop them, maybe even a few weeks later. Two things have sparked these recent thoughts:
1.Recently I read something on Pinterest: "It's better to be sittin' in a boat, thinking about God, than sittin' in church, thinking about Fishing"
2. One of my great friends recently attended a church service, and shared the atrocities going on in her nearby pews. Read: Sipping Starbucks, Sporting pajama bottoms, and a Mother texting in her Bible!!!!
So let's start out with a little self-divulgence. I pray. I was baptized, and I was confirmed, And I went to an all female Catholic college. By the way, this is none of your business, just a little background info. I don't need to wear jewelry or embellishment's to pontificate my faith, and I also don't need to spend every Sunday morning displaying my beliefs. That being said: I believe people confuse praying with hoping, and attending a service somehow demonstrates their goodness. Right now there's all sorts of cute Emojidom's that you can attach to status updates on social media outlets for how someone is "Feeling Blessed" or "Touched by God". Someone brilliant recent said: "Professing your faith on social media doesn't make you a better Christian, it makes you an attention whore. Sorry L, that was Way to brilliant Not to share.
So when P and I pray, it's most often for the four legged animals, we wish we could house them all, and our loved ones that we miss dearly. Read: We aren't actually praying for a living human, or what "might" happen. When my Dad was in his final days, I wasn't praying to have him for a few more. I was hoping he wasn't in pain and none of us had to see it when it all went down. I used my time wisely, and efficiently.  
Here's where the confusion may lay. When something good happens, people jump very quickly on the wagon of: "It was a blessing from God", or "We prayed, and our prayers came through". Then conversely when something bad happens is it an "Act of God", or "Gods way?".
Case in point: Weather patterns. Weather patterns are exactly just that, Patterns. Weather systems  happen and can have adverse reactions depending on temperatures, air mass, ect. Not because an "Act of God" came into it. This has been proven, documented, and registered. And when something good, or bad happens to you, don't you think 99% of it could be because of what YOU did, or didn't do? Why are you putting what happens in someone else's hands? Perhaps because when the bad happens, it's easier to accept when you need someone to blame or point your finger at. Bad Christian.
Don't We create our own destiny, and challenges? Why put someone else in charge of your life? Didn't get the job? Didn't get the house? Didn't get the car? Maybe it was because you weren't the right person. Maybe there was someone more qualified, or prepared out there. And hopefully, this morning, if your sitting in that wooden pew, hoping to better yourself, maybe instead you should take action and leave Prayer out of it.