Thursday, February 27, 2014

Erin Go Bra (less) & why I hate St. Patrick's Day

Here in the Midwest, there are few things to look forward to in winter, unless like me, you actually like winter and choose to not complain about it until May. My take on it? If you don't like the weather here? Move.
So starting shortly after Valentines Day, stores of all types have started jumping on the bandwagon of St. Patrick's Day. Or as I like to call it: Half Way to Halloween. Why half way to Halloween? Because apparently half way to Halloween people feel the need to be publically intoxicated. And if you live anywhere close to me, it's a consecutive 2 weekend shit show, depending on what day the holiday actually lands on. As P likes to say, Halloween is the amateur hour for the socialization of most people. Followed closely by New Years Eve. For what other holiday is it commonplace for women to dress like complete sluts and turn something completely ordinary,( insert leprechaun), into a Sexy Leprechaun?? What other day is one compelled to wear gold lame leggings, and a green tutu?
So the planning of the outfits begin, and the festivities start around 7a.m. Local news stations pan the insides of Mc Gillicuddys, O'Danny's and any other Irish- ish tavern. They "Interview"  "Brian or Daniel " whom neither appear to be of any Irish descent, but somehow they believe they're Faux- Irish accent is quite convincing. Note to you boys: There is NOthing, Nothing more un-attractive than a faux- Irish accent.  And apparently no one went to work today.  Usually by 5pm, the scene is full of keeling over co-eds, and flailing frat boys. A second round of degenerates usually shows up, in work clothes to keep the evening going strong. By this point, girls are in the bathrooms, with their shamrock face tattoos smeared, and their tutus in the toilet. They're mostly in the ugly cry- drunk stage, where they Clearly Just Need to Go Home.
I have tried to enjoy this Holiday of sorts within the past few years. I have put my distaste for anything Green aside and tried to ignore the stench of stale beer. But after my last outing, I decided to officially call it quits on March 17th. That last night, I was socializing, and making the best of things, when the man next to me, standing at the bar, leaned over, and vomited. He leaned over, in a bar full of people and just let loose. All over my shoes. They were canvas, peep toe wedges, and were now covered in vomit, and green beer. Apparently there was no "Luck O' the Irish" for me or those shoes that night. P ended up carrying me to the bathroom to soak, yes soak my shoes in the sink, so I wouldn't have to walk barefoot through the bar on the way out.
So you can have your plastic hats and beads. You can take your blinky headbands, and your rainbow socks and wear em' all over town. Take some Amazing photos(none of you bar photos are amazing) and upload them on your favorite social media network for all to see what a FUN? person you are. This year, on St. Patrick's Day, the only green you'll see on me, is the hazel of my eyes.

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