Thursday, February 27, 2014

Erin Go Bra (less) & why I hate St. Patrick's Day

Here in the Midwest, there are few things to look forward to in winter, unless like me, you actually like winter and choose to not complain about it until May. My take on it? If you don't like the weather here? Move.
So starting shortly after Valentines Day, stores of all types have started jumping on the bandwagon of St. Patrick's Day. Or as I like to call it: Half Way to Halloween. Why half way to Halloween? Because apparently half way to Halloween people feel the need to be publically intoxicated. And if you live anywhere close to me, it's a consecutive 2 weekend shit show, depending on what day the holiday actually lands on. As P likes to say, Halloween is the amateur hour for the socialization of most people. Followed closely by New Years Eve. For what other holiday is it commonplace for women to dress like complete sluts and turn something completely ordinary,( insert leprechaun), into a Sexy Leprechaun?? What other day is one compelled to wear gold lame leggings, and a green tutu?
 
So the planning of the outfits begin, and the festivities start around 7a.m. Local news stations pan the insides of Mc Gillicuddys, O'Danny's and any other Irish- ish tavern. They "Interview"  "Brian or Daniel " whom neither appear to be of any Irish descent, but somehow they believe they're Faux- Irish accent is quite convincing. Note to you boys: There is NOthing, Nothing more un-attractive than a faux- Irish accent.  And apparently no one went to work today.  Usually by 5pm, the scene is full of keeling over co-eds, and flailing frat boys. A second round of degenerates usually shows up, in work clothes to keep the evening going strong. By this point, girls are in the bathrooms, with their shamrock face tattoos smeared, and their tutus in the toilet. They're mostly in the ugly cry- drunk stage, where they Clearly Just Need to Go Home.
 
I have tried to enjoy this Holiday of sorts within the past few years. I have put my distaste for anything Green aside and tried to ignore the stench of stale beer. But after my last outing, I decided to officially call it quits on March 17th. That last night, I was socializing, and making the best of things, when the man next to me, standing at the bar, leaned over, and vomited. He leaned over, in a bar full of people and just let loose. All over my shoes. They were canvas, peep toe wedges, and were now covered in vomit, and green beer. Apparently there was no "Luck O' the Irish" for me or those shoes that night. P ended up carrying me to the bathroom to soak, yes soak my shoes in the sink, so I wouldn't have to walk barefoot through the bar on the way out.
 
So you can have your plastic hats and beads. You can take your blinky headbands, and your rainbow socks and wear em' all over town. Take some Amazing photos(none of you bar photos are amazing) and upload them on your favorite social media network for all to see what a FUN? person you are. This year, on St. Patrick's Day, the only green you'll see on me, is the hazel of my eyes.
 

Sunday, February 23, 2014

The Wedding Singer

Last week, our social and viral media was flooded by a new video. It was a video from last summer, of a young bride, walking down the isle, and singing, yes I typed Singing, to her even younger looking groom. It was nothing short of cringe- worthy. And it got me to thinking: Unless you Celine Dion, any maybe not even then, No One should be singing at their own wedding.
 
I believe it initially starts with someone in their younger years being encouraged. I use the word encouraged very loosely. Family sometimes is great about encouraging behavior that everyone else will tell you to stop doing. They don't want you feelings to be hurt, and they may be hoping that your new found Talent? improves. Case in point: Every Christmas my small-town church recruits a mid-pubescent girl to sing the holiday song on Christmas Eve. So the girl gets a new dress, and polishes her shoes and away the camcorders go recording, what I can only believe will be a video, in further years will be used for some ransom money.
 
These productions are always bad. B.A.D. Not drag you off the stage with a hook kind of way. Bad in a way that is Always way too long, and way too loud. Bad in a way that its quite possible the most awkward situation for anyone in the audience to be. Bad in an American Idol audition kind of way, where they just let the person keep singing(this encourages) and at the end, Randi says something like, "I just wasn't feelin' it dog" and the young recruit asks, "Maybe if I take lessons?" and Simon declares, "No not even then". See if you were a Really good singer, you would be singing. Not in a karaoke kind of way, but Really doing something with that Talent.
 
I, of course have been a part of this audience,, a few times. And it's of the stuff this blog was made for. I have watched as a wedding party grew weary about what was happening and uncomfortably shuffle around. I have watched as groomsmen held back their laughter and embarrassment and wanted the whole thing to be over. And I have watched the groom, like the very same one in the video last week, cue some tears, look mildly flattered, and was ultimately silently wishing, the serenade would have stayed in the shower. And when it finally ended, it was silent. Dead silent, with maybe a few following words by the Pastors. Did you miss the part where No one clapped?? No one clapped because it wasn't good! 
 
So do yourself, and others a favor, enjoy Your day and save the singing , for Celine.
 
 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Save your Sweatpants, for Saturday

Sweatpants, Yoga pants, and well, while were at it, Leggings.
I'm sure you do it because you see all Them, do IT. P.S. Celebrities Pay people Not to tell them Things. I'm sure you do it because you don't think it's not That big of a deal. Well, it Is a Big deal. I'm here to tell you. And I can tell you because I'm the one consistently is violated by your wearing, in public of pants that were made for working out. And quite frankly, I'm convinced 95% of Those pants never see the unroll of a Yoga mat. They've unfortunately seen the inside of the washing machine, a few hundred times. Black, faded, Cotton pilling, encrusted rhinestones falling off..Clearly a Big deal.
 
I see you everyday. Walking around like it's no big deal. Running your errands because your SOOooo busy(sarc) that you didn't even have Time to get dressed!!? Maybe trying to let people know you just polished off an Epic workout. Nope. I'm not buying it. Everyday people stroll into stores with their dirty hair, dirty sweatpants, and even dirtier winter boots. The enter the fitting rooms in hopes of finding something fabulous. And guess what looks Great on a dirty body, with dirty hair, pulled back by something that resembles a dirty bra strap? Nothing. And retailers are left thinking They didn't have the right Things. Not true. It was the girls that didn't have the Right things ON.
 
I have told friends,: Strike me dead, if you see me in them. Actually, I'm positive even in my most dying days at Walgreen's to pick up the sick necessities, I have not been caught(near dead) in those pants. Why? Because I have Pride. And values. And it's inappropriate. Because there's absolutely no time in my history here that I have ever Not cared about what I project onto others. (Read: Needlessly worry about the opinions of others that mean Nothing to me)
 
Maybe I don't understand it because it comes Easy to me. Wanting to get dressed and feel good Comes Easy. Maybe because my Momma always said, "Put some lipstick on and pull yourself together". True story. I'm sure you want it to be easy too. You want an easy morning where you don't have to Think about what to wear. Pro Tip: lay out your outfit the night before. You want an easy morning of going to class and taking some hard core notes. And you want to make the most of your day and run your errands before, or after the workout. Well then that's fine. But the next time you wear your ratty old pants in public?? Think about saving those Sweatpants for Saturdays.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Adios, my Friend

When I was in my 20's I was "One of the Boys".  Every Saturday night, Me and The Boys would venture out to drink 2 for $7 pitchers of beer. I Hate Beer, and have a awful allergy to it. There was a point where I even Lived with 3 boys!! 3 boys, 1 girl, and One bathroom! We actually had a pretty sweet bathroom. And I was totally okay with it. I hated girls. They all had "Drama" and issues, and judgment, and I didn't think any of them were worth it.
 
Of course as a more, err,, mature adult now I know, their judgment and drama were all self fulfilled. I have decided that now, after building the relationships that I have with a few Select females, if you have crossed 30 and are unable to have relationships with girls, there's something wrong with You. Yes there are still girls out there with their judgment and drama, but let em' have it, because it's all they've got. Say Adios.
 
A few years ago I was very best friends with a girl and we had raucous fun for about 2 years. We were both at a cross roads in our current relationships and had decided to 'take back the night" of sorts. We were inseparable and talked 2-3 times a day and spent every weekend together. I realized that I was her Wingman. I was the one she needed to go out with in order to romance her new love interest. When she asked me for my opinion of him, I was Honest. This guy had a new woman living with him every 6-8 months to help cover his mortgage. This guy wore white linen pants,,with No underwear!! And.. this guy had All his pants hemmed straight across, no fall over his shoe!!(the horror)So I let her know I didn't think he had anything to "offer". In the end, she won over her man, and decided to say Adios to our friendship. Sucks.
 
I had a recent discussion with my best friend, about 2 other friends that also were at a cross roads. These  had been friends for over 15 years, and the one decided to call it quits. The one had, had enough. She couldn't take all of the late night crying calls about her husband being unfaithful. She couldn't give anymore of the advice that seemed to fall on deaf ears and all the Tough Talks. She was exhausted after seeing a bad situation turn worse year after year, and had to throw in the towel.
So she did the honorable thing, and sat her friend down. She was honest and told her, "I don't want your drama anymore, I can't watch you sit and do nothing another day, and I can't listen to you complain about the Same thing for 15 more years". She was saying Adios to their friendship in the nicest possible way.
 
I have encourage friends recently to re- evaluate their friendships. I've listened to them complain and be disappointed by the actions of others. I have witnessed someone giving the benefit of the doubt two and three times over to someone underserving. If someone is in your life and doing absolutely nothing for you, if someone you consider a friend is doing absolutely nothing to enhance that friendship. And if that person isn't putting half the time and consideration into you, that you do them?
Then it's definitely time to say Adios, and have a margarita with someone Else.

Monday, February 10, 2014

This is My life Without Coffee...for now

 
Ordinarily, I'd like to think this blog stays on the lighter sight of cynicism and humor. But after 3 weeks I'm prepared to share the news that's ordinarily shared on Another social Media network. Yes that Other social media outlet has unfortunately been a place for people to upload, Share, and petition for sympathy for their medical woes. Tough break Zuckerberg.
 
So I've quit. Cold Turkey. Err..Coffee. For more than 3 weeks now I have consumed less than a cup of the golden brown goodness. The perfect paint color with just the right amount of cream in it. The delicious concoction that every morning P shuffles into the kitchen to brew. Followed by further shuffling back into bed with our 2 monogrammed cups in hand. The drink in which, gossip and gluttony are gladly shared.
It has been determined that after a good 15-20 years of worrying, Worrying what I think, Worrying about what You think, what They think, the insides of my stomach resemble a great piece of Swiss cheese. I am 30-ish.... and full of Ulcers. I write a Blog about the discussions and on goings over Coffee, and I cannot drink the stuff anymore!!
Let's add to the list: Alcohol, fruits, dairy, any red sauces of any type, Rice, fried foods, juices, ohh my gosh what's left? Great, I get to drink water. You all know at this point How I feel about water. Yes, you send this girl into the North woods of Wisconsin and tell her she cannot drink or eat anything fried, or with a red sauce??! No wonder I'm down 7 lbs. And I'm deathly afraid of eating, Anything.
Yes, You give the girl an extremely limited diet, coupled with her already 30 year dysfunctional relationship with food, she looses 7 lbs. and you expect this to be okay? I was more prepared for the lack of coffee, than the feeling of starving, but knowing I need to eat. Starving, I'm great at. And the workout I'm obsessed with doing, hasn't seen me in days.
 
And so this will go, for the next 5 weeks. Thank goodness for P, and he now shuffles every night to make us now Tea. Thank goodness, every time he asks how I feel, he's always great about hearing how I feel like a hollowed out pumpkin. Thank goodness I've always loved vegetables, and can find them (somewhat)fresh in our local grocer. Thank my mother for very early on giving us tea, when we were sick.
 
Now maybe, I won't worry so much about what You think, what They think, or what I think..maybe..
But for now, This is My life Without Coffee.