Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Color Purple

 Growing up I has 2 sisters. One 6 years my elder and the other 8 years older. I always got their hand-me-downs. And after one wore them, then the other, they were truely the most used, recycled hand-me-downs. It wasn't until I was well into my teens that I learned to make the most of what you have and to re-invent what you receive.
Perhaps this is why I have a slight obsession with clothes.

There was one Christmas that I remember fondly. I received,in a large box of my very own, everything new, just for me. Some of the items were handmade, but more importantly, they had never belonged to anyone else. There were purple mittens and purple gloves. A purple scarf, purple hat, & purple ear muffs. Brand new purple snow pants, and a purple jacket. I didn't have to share any of my gifts, and they were all for me.

Every Christmas, when my Mom gets a bit too focused on the buying of "Things", I remind her of that one Christmas, my very favorite Christmas. The one where everything was
The Color Purple

Monday, January 27, 2014

The Top 25, at 25

After spending part of the weekend with ehhmm,,, some Younger girls, I got to thinking about my List. My list of things that you absolutely Need to know. The types of life skills that will keep you off the side of the highway playing the Damsel in Distress role. And the types of life skills that will keep you in the good graces of others, many of whom may be in the service industry. My Dad wasn't the handiest of men, but thankfully, I have spent some time with some gentlemen, that have taught me: My Top 25, at 25
1. Order a drink- better yet, find yourself a signature drink. If you order a drink with water, you won't get a glass of water on the side. If you order a drink "Sweet" your getting cherries as a garnish. Straight up, means just that= just the alcohol. And please, please unless your at a ball game: Stop ordering Beer!
2.Un-clog the toilet. Of course No One wants to do this. I learned my first time well into my 30's. Suction, then flushing is key.
3.Tip. If your anywhere in the (414) (262)(608) or (715) Tax is roughly 5%. To tip just take this number times 3 for a 15% tip. I just told this trick Again last week to someone!
4.Jumpstart a car. Early in my car owning days I pre- printed the instructions on an index card I kept in my visor. I put color coded pieces of electrical tape on my battery connections, and on my jumper cables.
5.Write a resume. After previewing resumes for the better half of 15 years, I have seen more shotty ones than good ones. I'll never forget the resume I got from a female anxious and willing to work. Her e- mail contact was: 1sexymamaoftwogirlsoneboy@gmail.com....Next..
6.Give/Take a compliment
7.Make a toast(heartfelt, not drunken) at a wedding.
8.Paint your right hand fingernails, if your right handed.
9.Make Coffee( enough said!)
10. Bake a Cake/ Pie
11.Write a love letter (Read: Love Letters)
12. Administer CPR
13.Make a campfire/ Fire in a fireplace. Do you want to freeze, or play that Damsel role? I prefer the Lincoln Log method: Takes virtually No paper!
14. Change a fuse. In your circuit board in your basement, or your Christmas lights. And don't worry, the chances of getting electrocuted are highly unlikely.
15. Change a flat tire. Don't forget to loosen the lug nuts Slightly before elevating the vehicle onto the jack.
16.Put a comforter into a duvet.
17. Sew a button on a shirt (I've even taught a few guys how to do this! Your welcome ladies)
18. Hem a skirt(even using fuseable tape)
19. Move. Without the help of your friends.
20. Change a diaper
21. Grill a burger
22. Vacuum( yes someone I met years ago did not know how)
23.Drive a manual shift car. If you've ever had roommates, and been Parked- In, This I an epic life skill that you'll never loose. I once had to drive my best friends car home from the bar after she had been "Over-served".
24. Tap Rack, Bang. No matter what your gun beliefs, loading, chambering a round, and discharging a gun is something you want to know how to do, if your life calls for it.
25. How to say goodbye. No one likes to do it. But learn how to do it gracefully and with dignity. Realize that someone people are not meant to be on your life. And finally, people and pets die. Some over time and sometimes too soon. But the easier you make it on yourself to say goodbye, the quicker someone else can step in and say,

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

His Side, Her Side, & What actually Happened

Nobody wins in a break up. Nobody. But there sure are different versions of what actually happened between two people. Two people that Mutually? decide not to be together anymore. Two people that may have even been seemingly? Happy together.
I have Always found, Always, that the more elaborate, & drawn out the story is, usually comes from the person most emotionally affected by it.
I recently reached out to someone that I had known only a short time. She had been dating someone I knew through a mutual friend, and I realized they were no longer dating. I decided that, even though I knew him before her, I would extend my own olive branch and suggest a lunch date. I always liked her and was far more interested in facilitating a relationship with her than him.
So she talked, just a bit at the lunch, about what happened, how it went down, and what was to gain. She handled the conversation with class and maturity. And surprisingly, none of this was exhibited on any form of social media. Her behavior and tact, was admirable.
Coming out of his mouth? The tables were turned. She was controlling. She "Mothered" him too much. They wanted different things. He wasn't "Ready". And then his crazy came out. And I knew, I knew she had taken the highway, and he instead had chosen to go down the dirt road. And my sage advice to him was: Maybe you needed to be a bit "Controlled". Maybe when your out in a public with your girlfriend and you want to steal away to "browse chics". Maybe she wanted you to be in a better place, than with single guys 10 years your junior. And maybe you could still detour onto a better route.
Someone years ago, after my own tumultuous relationship had ended, gave me the best advice of my life. He asked me, "What do you want people to know about you?" "What do you want to be remembered for?" And "What do you want to remember about your life"? There hasn't been a day that's gone by since, that I haven't considered those very questions.
So next time you meet someone, and you may have know their better, or worse half  at some point, always remember: There's His Side, Her Side and What actually Happened.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

The Secret about Victoria

There is a frightening thing that happens twice a year. Twice a year women across America turn into lunatics. They tune into their primal counterparts. Their behavior is shocking and outlandish. Some may wake up early, stay out late, and perhaps skip a meal: All for the sake of... Underwear! 
Yes, twice a year there's a little well- know retailer that runs a very well known, Semi- Annual Sale. The store is even closed during some regular business hours, in order to prepare for what lies ahead. And in the morning the pearly gates,,err glass doors open and there it will unfold:
The Lady Mayham
The normally well- merchandised retailer has a no- hold barred, quantity, not quality presentation of:
1. Plastic Bins stickered on the sides for size, chock full of frilly panties, and overstuffed braissere's.
2. Double- Racked perimeter displays that you can barely reach.
And frankly the worst offender,
3.The Cardboard Box, with magic marker inked sizing on the side. The box is just barely cut open enough to put a hand in the box, dig around, and see what you pull out! I know some of you are thinking I'm being a bit dramatic, when discussing the behaviors of the women shopping this sale. Unfortunately, I've got a few years experience, and enough coffee talk with girlfriends about this very subject that knows no state lines. And if you've ever been elbowed at the plastic bin, or been privy to overhear and see the very awkward exchange of the 13 year old girl,who brings her boyfriend with her to watch as she Digs, Yes I typed: Digs through the panty bin, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Admit it, you've seen it. 
I am All for a good Sale. Follow me on Instagram and you will see my favorite haunt is the little girls department at Target. But I now, and years ago were way beyond digging through bins for panties, and you certainly will not catch me playing "Bobbing for Bra's" in a cardboard box. Sure I've gone early in the morning and bought things. Just last year I scored a very famous bra that was shown on the runway during their highly anticipated fashion show. It originally retailed for $250, I paid..$19.99. How many times have I worn it? Once. The top has so much padding in it, my front half enteres the room thirty seconds before the rest of me. It may get a second life in the boat as a floatation device.
 And how bout' those fancy panties? Yes, years ago I indulged and also scored a very pricey pair, entirely encrusted in crystals. The pair also had crystals surrounding the waistband, dangling down about 6 inches. These were obviously for a "Special Occasion". I thought I was pretty hot in my panties, and debuted then to my boyfriend. Moments later all the dangling crystal beads started unraveling and at lightning bolt pace, I ripped them off. I was in fear of having crystals in places where they should never be! I'm All for having a sparkly life, but I even  have limits!
So if there's a Secret behind this blog post it's this: Leave the boyfriend behind. It's actually more awkward for him to watch you rifle though the panty bin, than you think. And when you hold up the lacey, flossy pair and ask him "Aren't these cuttte?" What do you think he's going to say? Go alone and keep what you bought a Secret, and lastly,
Leave the throwing elbows to the supermodels on the runway, and, Leave it to Victoria.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

What's for Dinner!??

Food. I could take it or leave it. In the perennial discussion, would you rather give up food or drink. My answer has and always will be: Food. Food for me has always been a means to an end. Its been my most dysfunctional relationship for going on 30 years. Food gets in the way, it makes things messy, and for some reason brings people together. For life, and for death.

For years I had a bit of anxiety when eating in front of anyone. It wasn't so much that I didn't want people to see me eat. It was more that I wished to not see them eating. I spent the better  part of my first "girl ask boy" dance when I was 16 in the bathroom of the resturant  we had reservations at. I had made myself nauseous with all the worry. I had to very quickly get over the anxiety, when I landed my first Big Girl job, and had to go to a corporate lunch meeting. 

I guess you could say I may have been a bit of a picky eater. But looking back at the meals my dear Mom was cooking (Read: Meat me for Dinner) I would still steer clear of her Pork Chops and Applesauce.I always loved fruits and vegatables, and would still choose them now over chips. And give me oatmeal, and some Wheat Thins before I'd even consider a candy bar. Binge eaters completely elude me.

So when I decided to domesticate with P, I knew we had different food preferences..err..Habits. When I first started seeing P, he dined on Hamburger Helper twice a week, had lasagna takout another night, and a fried chicken dinner delivered another. Wash it all down with 5-6 beers a night and voila!! Here is your bachelorI You remember the part about him also sleeping in a sleeping bag on his mattress, right!? What a catch ladies!
I've been slowly sneeking fruits and vegetables into his daily life. I knew I couldn't ask him to quit cold turkey on the chicken dinners quite yet. Just recently he discovered: the power of the banana! His words, " I can't believe this banana is so good". Yes. The power of a banana!

Our food differences have recently come to a head as we've been switching off grocery duty.  I plan our meals, cross reference sales, and we eat gangfully for 2-3 weeks. And no.. I don't coupon ( a Whole other blog rant). P shops, brings home boxed granola bars, boxed fruit snacks, a package of chicken, mashed potatoes In A Pouch!!?? And some various other "foods". Did I mention we spend about the same? So I had to call a cease fire.

And Thankfully, being the man P is, he asked for my help. We scheduled a "Grocery Date"; an opportunity for P to see into my planning, my stomache, and my wallet. At $121 spent, we got enough food for at least 6 meals, and breakfast and lunches. I let him sneek in a few non-essential processed foods. You can't change a cheeta's spots, but hopefully you can feed him differently!

So the delivery driver is going to have to find another stop. Tonight our chicken dinner is organic and not served in a paper box with potato wedges. Somehow though, I believe that delivery driver is on speed dial for the next night I work. Cheeta=1 Dashner= 0